A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, ‘You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. ‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. ‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked, ever so slowly. ‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. ‘Now take off my skirt.’ He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. ‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, ‘If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.’

1. Blamestorming
   Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. Seagull Manager
   A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. Assmosis
   The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. Salmon Day
   The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. Cube Farm
   An office filled with cubicles.
6. Prairie Dogging
   When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
7. Mouse Potato
   The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs
   Single Income, Two Childrend, Oppressive Mortgage that yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. Stress Puppy
   A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. Swipeout
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. Xerox Subsidy
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
12. Irritainment
    Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. Percussive Maintenance
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. Adminisphere
    The rarefield organizational layers begining just above the rank and file.  Decisions that fall from the admonisher are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404
    Someone who’s clueless.  From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found”, meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. Generica
    Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. Ohnosecond
    That miniscule fraction of time in which ou realize that you’ve just made a big mistake.  (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake.)
18. WOOFS
    Well-Off Older Folks.
19. Crop Dusting
    Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Two hillbilies walk into a restaurant.  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.  And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.  The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.  As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly  back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I aint niver seen nobody done it!’

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a “party atmosphere” going in the cabin.   And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.  I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and “special services.”

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous…

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc.  You’r boldly going where no man has gone before!”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?”
5. “You know, in ARkansas, we’re now legally married.”
6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”
8. “Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
12. “God, now I know why I am not gay.”
13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”